Ever since Mickey Mouse made his first appearance way back in 1928, children all over the world have been enjoying Disney cartoons and films.
Here at Amazon we love children’s films and cartoons and always do our best to make sure you kids have the best possible entertainment available to you, at prices your poor, struggling parents can afford.
But kids, we’ve got some disturbing news for you. You might want to peek through your fingers for this, or maybe hide behind the sofa.
Okay. Here we go.
Uncle Walt is actually dead. No, honestly. He doesn’t run Disney anymore. Nasty men in badly-cut suits run Disney now, and they HATE you kids and they HATE your parents. And they think your poor, struggling parents should pay through the nose every time you want to see an episode of Donald And Goofy.
I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s all true. Cross my heart and hope to die. These nasty Disney men in badly-cut suits want to charge your poor, struggling parents even more money than they are now.
And for what? It’s just a
bloody cartoon! There are no actors to pay, and no make-up artists. They don’t even have to pay for costumes and lighting. It’s just some guy with a box of crayons drawing silly pictures and doing silly voices and another guy flicking the pages real fast so it looks like they are moving.
And those nasty people at Disney want to charge your parents more for this rubbish!
We say hell, no! Oops! Sorry, don’t let Mom see that bit. We say, no, no, a thousand times no!
Here at Amazon we firmly believe that if you repeat the same thing enough times people will start to believe it, so we say again, Amazon is the cheapest place in the whole universe for absolutely everything, and tell your Mom and Pop that if they use our Fire phone it will prove it for you, because all the deals it comes up with are at Amazon.
But you won’t find the latest Disney cartoons and films anymore, because we’ve blocked them, just because we love you kids so much.
In fact, we’re not going to stock them anymore until Disney agree to pay us a whole shit-load more money back down and agree with us that cartoons and films for kids should be so dirt cheap we lose even more money than we are already doing everyone has them on their Fire TV, whether they want them or not.
Now we know a big fight between an evil, money-grabbing mega-corporation like Disney and a struggling Mama & Papa retailer like Amazon if not something children should have to worry about. It’s not your fight. When two big kids start arguing in the playground it’s always, always, always best to keep well away.
Well, always except this once, because kids, we desperately need your help.
We want you to send an email to Uncle Walt (yes, we know we said he’s dead, but just bloody do it anyway and stop arguing!) and copy us.
If your mean parents haven’t bought you a KindleFire tablet yet and you don’t have email, just get your crayons out and rip a page out of a book and write on that. There’s usually lots of space on the title page, just under where its says Published by Hachette. Don’t forget to throw the rest of the book in the trash where it belongs.
Here’s what you’ve gotta say:
Dear Uncle Walt (deceased),
We love Disney, we really do, but we don’t think you’re playing nice with my other friend, Mr. Amazon, and we think that’s not fair. Not fair at all.
We want you to stop being nasty to Mr. Amazon and agree to everything they ask, otherwise when we grow up we’ll stop watching Mickey Mouse altogether, and tell our grandchildren not to either. So there.
Just email your message to unclewalt(deceased)@Disneyaremoneygrabbingbastards.com and copy us. Send your bits of paper with wax crayon all over to Uncle Walt, Hollywood. No need for a zip code, it will get there. But don’t copy us that shit those letters because we’re a tech company and don’t do paper, okay?
Thanks, kids. We really, really appreciate this, and to show our appreciation we’re going to do absolutely jack-shit let your parents get free shipping and films and music for just $99 a year.
And shut that brat up who’s asking how it can be free if it costs $99. We told you already, if you tell folks something often enough they believe it, no matter how dumb it sounds.
Your bestest friend ever,
Uncle Jeff and the Amazon Cartoon Team.
If any of you brats are thinking, “Nah. Can’t be bothered,” think again, sunshines.
Or Harry Potter will be next.